Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
