i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
