We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
