Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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