it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
