you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
