their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
