upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
