fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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