Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
