I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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