I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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