If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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