i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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