i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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