Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
