I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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