The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
