dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize