apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
