got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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