just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
