I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
