did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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