i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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