Pants 0. Shit 1.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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