phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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