she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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