in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
