Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
