I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
