I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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