worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
