I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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