i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
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i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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