there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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