I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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