This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
