$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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