I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
