my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
