Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
