do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
