I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize