If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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