Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
