So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
