i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
