We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
