The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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