I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Rumble strips road head = magical
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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