I'm eating all of the evidence.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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