Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
COCAINE IS GR8
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
