i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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