Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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