Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
