Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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