There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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