I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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